“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
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Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.