@david8hughes: Everybody mad at me like it's common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn't go to funeral college.
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@Tommytoughstuff: ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose. DENTIST: That's an egg beater.
@johngcaldwell4: I dated a magician once; she put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel.....
@bingowings14: My dad always used to say 'if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves'. This cost him his job at the zoo.