I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
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*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Has there ever been a more American story?
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness