Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
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i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Great Canadian literature.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?