Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
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I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.