caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
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Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.