I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
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“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
i can’t wait that long
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Great game to play with friends
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.