Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
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Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
#damn
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Oops I deleted….
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.