Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
You Might Also Like
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.