Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
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I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
#milo
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
The human personality is made of five key elements
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim