Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
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To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
new record!
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.