@IGotsSmarts: Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that's big enough.
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@dave_cactus: [me on a ledge] COP: (through megaphone) WE'VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP! *Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
@OctopusCaveman: I'm thinking about getting a dog so I'm not the only one in this household who goes apeshit when the pizza guy rings the doorbell.
@ThinkingSavage: Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir? Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.