Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
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🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.