Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
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why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.