@TheCatWhisprer: Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
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@flashember: Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats. Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep? "Shhh let sleeping dogs lie."
@internetluke: [talking with counselor] I don't "know" what "she" means that I "use" excessive air quotes
@squirrel74wkgn: [at work] Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom? *standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards* "No...why do you ask?"
@DaddyJew: I'm like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese