everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
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ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I have never related to anyone more.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife