If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
You Might Also Like
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Why am I like this?