Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
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*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Stonehinge
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.