Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
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My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife