“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
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ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week