I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
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So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?