When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
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I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.