@OverlyManlyMann: Everyday, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steak.
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@truegritrumble: KID: *is crying over school drama* ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older- KID: *smiles hopefully up at me* ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
@huntigula: GUY: are u in the 1% ME: more like the 2% GUY: well that's still great ME: [wondering why this guy's so in to milk] it's pretty cool I guess
@AndyAsAdjective: A lot of people ask me "why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?"
@SatansTongue: (Selling my soul) Just sign here and here "I should have a lawyer read this" *a million lawyers crawl through hell* We have plenty of those