@HallpassCanada: Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you're standing outside watching your house burn.
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@juliussharpe: After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I'd rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
@iwearaonesie: Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5 The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
@mstluvstrinkets: "Ok, so you love kids and a clean house? Really, you don't drink but you like to drive?" Me, interviewing the perfect sister wife
@Fred_Delicious: Wife - "I'm leaving you..." Me - "noooooo..." Wife - "...a hotdog in my will" Me - "...oooyeeahhhhhh"