Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
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bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
groan^2
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
notice
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new