[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
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ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else