@jenniferfralic: Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
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@ElleOhHell: BUNNIES: I love hopping! SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn't we get home and check on our delicious babies?
@XplodingUnicorn: Random woman in the store: What's in your mom's tummy? 5-year-old: A baby. Woman: What kind of baby? 5-year-old: A human one. Nailed it.
@DurtMcHurtt: Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa's "push it" and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
@NicestHippo: Symptoms of mental illness: -Hearing voices -Hallucinating -Complaining about how other people use their social media accounts