Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
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(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
good work, everybody
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Why am I like this?
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.