@jenniferfralic: Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
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@Lerky: "HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?"
@theshamingofjay: Friend 1: I was promoted. Friend 2: I got engaged. Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again. Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.
@yonewt: I know someone who puts raisins in meatballs so don't even try to talk to me about psychos
@JustinGuarini: Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there's Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.