@weinerdog4life: Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
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@goodhairperson: [murder occurs] ME: how terrible. why can't we love each other [someone slightly inconveniences me] ME: I will execute your entire family
@OnlyFastEddie: The closest I've ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
@Capt_Spanky: Text to wife: "Would you bring me my " and my phone suggests "girlfriend." My phone is trying to kill me.