Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
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we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Autocorrect completely socks
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.