Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
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Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.