Me sliding into hell like
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Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Never go to sleep after making me angry
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.