@DanDoofus: Everyone complains about the weather but no one ever wants to sacrifice a virgin about it.
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@ohpegah: *thinks every animal is a type of dog* *sees a cat* scratch dog *sees a parrot* talk dog *sees a worm* spaghetti dog
@TexasHickspanic: The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
@Social_Mime: Me - That's the second First Baptist Church I've seen today. Wife - OK? M - One of them is lying. W - You can't ever shut it off can you?