Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
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A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.