Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
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No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now