I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
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If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
File under excellent bookstore names.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.