Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
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[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.