Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
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*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace