EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
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Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.