WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
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When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
nice challenge
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
the three branches of government
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries