Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
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The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler