@Jason_maybe: Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we'll never run into again. If you don't you're probably it.
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@KeetPotato: cop: [making list of animals that escaped] zookeeper: "the tigers should be your top priority" cop: [scribbling out ducks] "obviously"
@thedryginger: 30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends' kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
@hazelmotes1: Today I learned that pouring water on someone who is sleeping under an electric blanket won't electrocute them. It will only make them angry
@ShawnIzadi: Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn't have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.