Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
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I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
first you must answer his riddles
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I gave up going to work for lent.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I saw this ending much differently.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
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