Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
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Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Shower sex be like:
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
You’ll be OK
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone