Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
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Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I hate when that happens.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?