Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
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How I like cutting carbs
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…