Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
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Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.