*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
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Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Stop sending me this shit.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times