Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
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Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
My Plans 2020
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet