[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
You Might Also Like
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf