@just1fool: Everyone is a genius until they try to use their friend's microwave.
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@jonnysun: ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it WIFE: well santas not real, hun ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
@JohnLyonTweets: Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know. Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone. Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.