@just1fool: Everyone is a genius until they try to use their friend's microwave.
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@steveffootball: A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn't make a face. We're getting married
@AbbieEvansXO: [normally] my bed has four corners [when putting on a fitted sheet] my bed has 93 corners
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away? Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather. 5-year-old: Me: 5-year-old: Mom?
@BobTheSuit: *gets email* -Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?- *responds* "Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?"