*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
You Might Also Like
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Boating season is upon us.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything