2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
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* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut