Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
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Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Happens to everyone.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny