“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
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Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
This can never not be funny 😭😭