Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
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Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend: